My father taught me ....

When I was going through a terrible period in my life, feeling betrayed by the person who was supposed to love me more than any other, one of my dearest friends sent me a card with words of comfort and empathy. I cherish this card, not just for the love contained within, but for the quote on the front. It features a black and white thoughtful Al Pacino from "The Godfather", and the quote:

"My father taught me many things: keep your friends close but your enemies closer"

I find these words rushing into my head unbidden many times in the past few days. Maybe my thoughts at the rest of the time could be similarly paraphrased:

Keep your friends close, but your former friends closer.

It has become brutally apparent to me in the last few weeks that I've never been shit on as badly in my life by anyone, as I have been by my friends.

Fun and games

When the going gets tough, the tought get going. What do I do? Sit in a cafe frequented by students trying to be cool (and turkish gangsters), smoke shisha till I feel sick, drink enough arabic tea to float the Titanic, and rant for the best part of 2 hours. Don't you just love my pithy response to life's ups and downs. I quite like to throw things too. But not in a cafe full of Turkish gangsters ....

Secrets

I've just been inspired by a blog I stumbled on, which you can send a postcard to with your secrets on. Not sure why, maybe its supposed to be liberating, but here goes:
I download music off Kazaa, play copied games purchased from scary men with gold chains at a market with corrugated steel walls, and watch DVDs recorded with a video camera at the cinema (who the hell makes these DVDS? I mean have you ever sat down to watch a film and realised the person next to you has a tripod and camcorder??).
I borrow books from the library and don't return them for years until they have a fine amnesty.
Once I told my friend she looked great in an outfit she bought for a night out that really made her look fat just because I wanted to look better than her.
I used to read my ex-boyfriend's email.
I stole my friend's care bear when we were little.
I made up some of the results for my last research project because I coudn't be bothered chasing up the questionnaires. . . . . .

How the hell do these people fit their secrets on one postcard? I'm barely getting started .......

Priorities

Even after so many years I have not ceased to be amazed at the ability of the internet to take you to some random truths when you have been in search of something altogether different. Whilst reading a site devoted to cancer sufferers and survivors I came across the legend "re-evaluating priorities may result in an enhanced outlook on life ....". As I sat, indolent as ever, in the vanishing rays of sunlight these words came unbidden into my mind. I suppose your life experiences can be explained on account of your priorities. Today has been even more directionless than many of late, no mean feat. Whilst there are undeniably many physical paths I should be taking, there are also personal matters that I should still turn my attention to.

I have not spoken to my two closest friends for a week now, however instead of righting this situation, I have instead been increasingly brooding on the dawning realisation that one ceased to be that cliched "true" friend some time ago. As for the other, apathy grips me and in spite of the stabs of regret, as evidenced in my previous post, I find that I no longer have the inclination to chase our fleeting friendship.

In my arrogance, I pride myself on being unaffected by the potential men that come in and out of my life. In truth, there are much fewer than that pharse would imply. Yet one has uncharacteristically held my interest for much longer, despite any behaviour on his part, and I am at a loss to explain why.

And so, instead of analysing my own feelings about these situations, and perhaps sorting them out, in whichever direction that may be, I have sat in the weak sunlight and read Harry Potter. All day. Cover to cover. My over-riding thought, the one that penetrates through all others? Roll on book seven.

Unpleasant realisation

Have you ever been sublimely convinced you're over something, then been proverbally knocked for six when you discover that there's a tiny part of you (teeny, tiny, miniscule part) that is maybe still a little bit raw about it? "Not I", said with derisory scoff. Well, if the past has lost all power to haunt me, why did I feel an electric surge of excitement when I saw his number flash up on my mobile. Not happiness .... just anticipation. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

For whom the bell tolls

How do you make a friend? Is there one big event that throws you together and kick starts the friendship, or is it a more gradual emergence, a slow development of shared respect and laughter, whispered secrets and knowing glances, ridiculous rituals and frankly gluttonous eating habits. How do you lose a friend? Is it with a bang, a dramatic explosion making the previously strong friendship rapidly unviable. Maybe just as the friendship grew from an initial murmur of air growing into a strengthening breeze, it can slip away in an equally intangible fashion. The death knoll sounds as one of you becomes increasingly circumspect about events you would once have rushed to share with the other. An ever-pervading coolness exists where once there would have been warmth and genuine closeness. Then the slow realisation that the friend you pine for, and remember with such bitter-sweet nostalgia no longer exists and the person you see before you no longer has capacity to become that remembered ally. But then consider the theory of relativity (although no doubt Einstein would be disgusted to find his theory bastardised for such angsty purposes) has the friendship changed because you now look on from a different perspective. Perhaps it is a change in you yourself that has led to this slow erosion of the foundations of your friendship. But if this is the case then how did you change? Was it a decision you made, or a change in behaviour you consciously initiated? Or was it the inescapable changes that time and experience impose upon our character that are so hard to identify and analyse. Whatever the reason, despite repeated heartfelt efforts to the contrary, how ever much I try and grab the dissipating wisps of our love and friendship, I know that they are beyond my efforts to save, and it makes me sad. I wish I knew what to do. Any answers gratefully received.